Florida Machete attack hides growing Zombie Problem in the Sunshine state.

A new string of Machete attacks in the sunshine state shows a growing and dangerous trend...

Zombie attack cover ups!
It's true we braved zombie hordes and alligators to get the information from long time Swamp Zombie hunter **** ****

"Ya, Me and tit go out ebery nite. We get dem der rotton uns that come up from da swamp.. Tourists mostly I tink. Crossbows and machetes is best, no noise ya know."

How these Zombie hunters make a living has still not been discovered.

Our attempts to interview any zombies met with... mixed results.

We where asked to remove the names of the People in this story to better hide there identity.

Interstellar conflict in time square.

Your dear readers might have caught wind of the story of Minnie Mouse and Hello Kitty being arrested in Times Square last week after getting into a fight over tips. But this is like so many other things I cover my friends.

It is actually part of a larger Ratkipodian and Felnaris conflict, a age old conflict between to interstellar races. In my interview with both of the 'detainees' who where actually taken into custody by a branch of UN peacekeeping forces that deal with this kind of thing. They both told similar stories of having to work part time jobs hear on earth to help finance the on going war between there two races.

Good thing its still a cold war for us readers.

Jade Helm 15, Obama Robot Spys.

The internet and so-called "news" have been abuzz as of late with the Jade Helm 15 conspiracy, so we hear at the Guardian decided to go take a look for our selves to see how this had all played out.

So our goals whereas follow.
Find out any of the following.

#1: Had the Military taken control of Texas?
#2: Where people being held in abandoned Walmarts?
#3: Had Martial law been declared?

Well first thin is first, we do not as of now, think that the US military or Obama has taken control of Texas. We did find some evidence of an outside influence that seems to be affecting the intelligence of Texas government leadership. We did also run into a lot of water.

People where not being held in any of the abandoned Walmarts we check, but it is possible that there were special built FEMAmarts. Built just for that use. You never know with Walmart and there extraterrestrial links.

No martial law was apparent at the moment, but again there was allot of weather-related water.

Which brings us to the real shocker of our news investigation.

Obama has yet again used his secret weather control installation hidden deep in Canada to strike harsh weather-related blow to Texas, and for no other reason than to slip microscopic survalience devices into Texas in the form of FEMA aid..

We even think that the Federal FEMA relief money that the Governor of Texas asked for might be bugged.

Alien Pirate Thieves.

A slew of battery robbery has popped up all over the world, almost %1200 up tick in less then two months. After exhaustive research our operatives have found the culprits. Alien Pirates... They may also be ghosts.

What they are doing with all the batteries is any ones guess. But we think It may have something to do with reproduction.

Alex Jones gets beaten up by Ninja bears.

Alex Jones has been the target of yet another attack, this time by ninja bears. Our sources tell us that Jones was attacked by not one but two of the ninja ursine in a parking lot in Texas and after a blazing gunfight had to fleet from the godless killing machines.

It is unknown yet how many rounds where fired, but our eye witness states that "Et musta been huderds of shots." Alex Jones has failed to file any police report and did not answer our messages. Many in his camp say that he is simply embarrassed that his assault rifle could not take down the threat.

We are still not quite sure if the Ninja Bears where biological bears... or leather wherein bearded gay men.

More info when It comes to us.

Facebook to require microchip implants!

In a internal e-mail from Facebook, top "technologists" have announced that the social media websight will require its users to have implants by the year 2017. Its not clear as of yet what the implants will do but the memo stated "Increased connectivity."